You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2010.

I’ve been meaning to get back to writing….and meaning…..and meaning….all the way until my head hits the pillow and I start all over again the next day. So much is happening and I just want to slow down for a minute. I want to hold my family close to me and let time speed on by…just for a selfish moment.

I knew letting my kids grow up was going to be hard-like I knew that birthing them would be hard. You just don’t know how hard until you’re in the moment. Childbirth was an agonizing, “I don’t think I’m going to live through this”, pain with a glorious purpose and a breathtaking reward. Watching my first-born graduate and come into her own in so many ways is sort of similar, but a little more painful-heartbreakingly painful. There’s, seriously, an enormous lump in my throat and in my chest when I think of it. It’s actually more like a vacuum that just sucks my air away for a moment. Then I have to blink so hard to stay the tears and pull up those hateful bootstraps. So many things play through my mind from the time she was a baby. She used to laugh so hard it would make her spit up. I warned people to stop making her laugh or she would nail them. She had no hair as a baby, then had a golden halo of curls, now has a cascading mane of honey blonde waves. She used to want to follow me, be with me, run to me when she saw me. She grew to hang out with me, share her day, talk about things she learned, smiled when she saw me, hugged me so tightly just when I needed it. Now, she’s ready to embark on her own life, ready to loosen my grip. She still hugs me tightly, but I’m trying to get used to the fact that when I really need an Ali hug I’ll have to wait until the next time I see  her. My beautiful angel. I’m so very proud of her. As pretty and funny as she is, her mind is what really blows me away. She’s going to do well, that one. While this time in my life is excruciating, it’s also exhilarating. My daughter is going to college, she’s starting to live her dream and become a woman. She believed me when I told her, truthfully and with loving confidence, she could be anything she wants to be.

This is a new beginning in several ways. Ali has her new beginning, free from the cursed genetic mutation that I have. She doesn’t have to worry any more than the average woman does. Her risk of breast and ovarian cancer is that of the general population. She is free to start her journey without thinking about the ticking time bomb, being pressured to hurry up and have children so she can have the surgeries that would save her life. She can concentrate on political science or anthropology, plan on the Peace Corps and law school. She can fall in love, or not. She is free. Thank God.

We have a new beginning in Massachusetts. I like it so far. I suppose I have to see what it’s going to be like in the winter. My husband says it’s better than Michigan. The sun does shine more and that’s what I love, sunshine. I love my job so far and I’ve made some friends. I really love it. I do NOT like the house we’re renting, but we have a house and I can see the ocean from the deck. My husband likes his work and is doing well. My son likes his school and has lots of friends (almost too distracting). I’m looking forward to exploring New England on the weekends and learning more about the history…the real history. I want to avoid the places that have the cheesy gift shops.

My body is healing. There are some bad days still, but nothing like they used to be. My scars are healing pretty well. The crazy right breast problems that so many of us BRCA ladies have has a few scarring issues, but nothing major at all. I did have a little stitch work its way out today. I found it in the shower today. Even after four months, things are still trying to work back into place. Some might be discouraged by finding that they still aren’t healed after that time. Hell, I would have felt that way just a month ago. Now, it actually gives me hope. The quirks I have now aren’t permanent. My body isn’t done. I am healing. It’s been over a year. I’ve lost a year of activity, but I’ve gained untold time with my family. God willing, I will see my grandchildren graduate from high school. With every day that I am given, I get stronger.

It is a new beginning and I am hopeful.