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This has been a slow healing process that I’m about fed up with. I now have a seroma (a pocket of fluid) above my incision on the left side. On the positive, and boy it is so positive, my muscle has not detached again. I noticed swelling after returning from New York, and no I did not over do it or lift/push/pull any thing I shouldn’t have. I was assisted with my one small carry on, by fellow passengers and it rolled without any difficulty. The swelling has been getting  a little worse so I went to the ER to be sure the muscles hadn’t detached. There’s so much nerve damage from the surgery that I don’t think I would feel pain if they detached again. It didn’t really “hurt” before. Anyway, the muscle is intact but I have this seroma. I don’t think it’s so big that it needs to be drained, but I’m being referred to a general surgeon here in town to evaluate it. Please, please, please let it be small enough that my body can handle it on its own. To be honest, the longer this goes on the wimpier I’m getting, which really pisses me off because I’m no wimp. But I seriously felt woozy when they did my IV the other night. Really? This is getting ridiculous. If they have to drain it they’ll be putting a needle into my abdomen to aspirate the fluid. Ugh. Please, no. I’m discouraged because the swelling is worse if I do even minimal stuff, like walk around the grocery store. I’m hoping the surgeon will tell me it’s okay and I can go for walks, the swelling will gradually get better and I’m not making anything worse. I hope. Because today was beautiful, even from inside the house. The sun was shining. I did go outside with the dogs in the backyard. It was cold and the snow that covers my backyard is now a thick blanket of ice but the sun was shining so brightly. This weekend is supposed to be sunny and in the 40’s. Woohoo!! A short walk around the block should be okay. I’m supposed to go back to work the first week of April, so this has to be fixed, like now. I’m tired of being stuck at home and I miss the interactions with people at work. Being off work for a while is one thing, especially when you work in a crazy, busy, emotionally charged place like I do. But being off work and not interacting with others on a regular basis for this long is just madness. I’m not one to “put myself out there” and invite myself to hang out with people, so I end up alone. I do it to myself so I have no one to blame. That’s one thing I have to work on. Anyway, I’ve made a decision to pick my head up. I was telling a dear friend that it seems as though I’ve been trudging along with my head down, eyes on the ground, not looking around at where I was going or who was around me. These negative things keep crashing down on me, still I don’t look up. Maybe if I pick my head up, open my eyes and engage in my world around me a little more, letting go of the negative, things will be easier. Maybe the bad will be there and maybe there’s more to come, but it’ll be easier to cope with. I just have to let it go and make room for the good around me. That’s what I’m going to do.

We went to Ali’s genetic counseling appointment the other day. Ali spoke as an adult who is well informed. She is well informed, but there are things she didn’t consider that we both needed to hear from the doctor. Fear is a very powerful emotion and hasty decisions guided by fear are usually not the best. Ali has decided to wait for any surgeries until she has children, provided her test is positive. In that case there is not a lot that will be done, other than being very vigilant about screening and living a healthy lifestyle. We are going to secure a good life insurance policy for her before she gets tested. We should know more about that by the end of the month. While there is a federal law that protects from discrimination by health insurance companies, there is no legislation about life insurance. I don’t have a policy, other than the maximum I can get from work. I’m told, however, that if I were to be denied I could appeal it and probably win because my cancer risk is now significantly lower than that of the general population. Who knows what sort of changes will happen by the time Ali has children. There may be legislation in place regarding life insurance by then. At any rate, the plan is to get some sort of policy in place for her, then get the test done. For now, the test kit sits on our counter, waiting. It’s right in the open, where we can see it, but I don’t feel like the fear of it has any control over us anymore. Oh, the fear is there and until the results come back negative, it’s not going away. But the fear is not controlling anything. Not anymore. Ali and I make a good team. We give each other strength, that’s all we need…no matter what happens.


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